“President Obama, what are you doing? Your poll numbers are looking great, your opponent is in flames, I haven’t heard Joe Biden’s name in months, which is great. And yet, you come out and say, ‘Hey, I can’t change Washington from the inside.’ I’m not saying what you said isn’t true, I’m saying why are you saying anything during this Romney Tailspin? I mean, let’s review. On Monday, a secret tape is released, where Romney insults half of the country and then that same day, he stands by those remarks. On Wednesday, he does a town hall for hispanics in brown-face. And Friday, Paul Ryan gets booed by the AARP. And then, instead of just enjoying that, you go “Hey everybody, remember my campaign slogan? Yeah… I can’t do that.”
Don’t make this hard on yourself. You’re like the criminal who gets away with murder and then starts sending the cops puzzles to figure it out. Take a note from the Queen of England. She’s still in power because she’s only said 11 words since 1940.
Also on a pure entertainment level, don’t do anything to take the focus off the Romney follies. Their campaign is getting crazier than the last season of ‘Lost’. No one know where it’s going, they’re introducing weird, new storylines— ‘So wait. Was Clint Eastwood suppose to be the new smoke monster?’
Seriously. Obama, what happened? Did Biden come in and tell you he bet his life savings on you getting reelected, but he needs Mitt to cover the spread? ‘You got to keep it close, Boss! These are really bad guys I’m dealing with!’
And can you really not change Washington from the inside? I thought we were in charge of the hope and you were in charge of the change. No one wants the coach to come in at halftime and say, ‘Oooh, that was rough. Anybody have any ideas?’ You want us to fix it? Look, if you make a Facebook page, we’ll ‘like’ it. It’s the least we can do, but it’s also the most we can do. That other stuff? That’s why we sent you.
In conclusion, Mr. President, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”—SNL: Weekend Update, Seth Meyers (via fluorescent—adolescent)